Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
