Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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