I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
