I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
