He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
