I have demons in me.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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