i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
