Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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