I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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