to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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