Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
They have beer where we have blood.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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