theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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