apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
