Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
