in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
