my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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