if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
