guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
