And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
