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My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
