I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just threw up on my dentist
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
