I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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