I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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