He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
