Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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