you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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