Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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