I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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