I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I can't turn off my feet"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
