My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
