I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
