Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
