I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
