Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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