kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
it's like heaven, but drunker
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
