wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
