I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
