I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
