She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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