did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
