Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
