I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
