So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I intend to get homeless drunk
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
