Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
