i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
