Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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