He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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