i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
