Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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