one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
