I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
