i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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